By Mark Quirk MSc CertLM, Healthspan coach and Registered Health Coach
When we describe someone as resilient, what comes to mind?
Perhaps someone strong, dependable, able to cope with whatever life throws at them. Someone who doesn't complain, doesn't fall apart and just gets on with things.
In other words, someone tough.
But I think this picture of resilience misses something important. Being resilient isn't about being unaffected by life's difficulties. It's about how we respond, adapt, and recover when those difficulties arrive.
And that involves a different set of skills.
Life doesn't always go to plan
Adversity comes in all shapes and sizes. It might be the frustration of arriving late for an important appointment, spilling coffee down your favourite top (naturally, just before meeting someone), or having a difficult conversation.
Or it might be something far more significant: losing someone close, experiencing illness, navigating a relationship breakdown, or coping with a major change in circumstances.
These experiences are clearly not equivalent, but they all demand our ability to cope.
Psychologists have spent decades trying to understand why people respond differently to adversity, and what helps us navigate it successfully.
There isn't one universally agreed definition of psychological resilience, but I particularly like a framework described by researchers Stephen Lepore and Tracey Revenson [1]. They explored resilience through three related ideas:
- Resistance – maintaining our ability to function when faced with adversity.
- Recovery – regaining our ability to function after a difficult experience.
- Reconfiguration – adapting or changing from what we've experienced.
Let's explore these, starting with the one we probably recognise most readily.
Recovery: bouncing back isn't always quick
When I've asked people what resilience means to them, one of the most common responses has been the ability to bounce back.
It's an appealing image. A ball hits the ground and springs upwards again, or a young tree bends in the wind before returning to its original position.
And sometimes life works like that.
An argument leaves us upset, but by the following day we've gained some perspective. A stressful week at work takes its toll, but a weekend helps us feel more like ourselves again.
But the bouncing-back analogy has its limitations.
For one thing, it suggests that recovery should be quick. For another, it suggests we should return to exactly where we started.
Neither is necessarily true.
When we experience something profoundly difficult, such as bereavement or serious illness, recovery may be slow, uneven, and sometimes incomplete. We may have better days followed by difficult ones.
Resilience doesn't mean recovering according to someone else's timetable.
Sometimes the most resilient response is to recognise that we need time, rest, support, or help from others.
That's not weakness. It's responding appropriately to what we're experiencing.
Reconfiguration: when adversity changes us
The second R, reconfiguration, describes something different.
Rather than returning to how we were before, we may find ourselves changed by an experience.
Perhaps we've developed a greater appreciation for the people around us. Maybe we're more confident about handling uncertainty, better at setting boundaries, or clearer about what matters in life.
Psychologists sometimes describe positive changes following particularly challenging experiences as post-traumatic growth.
I've heard people reflect that although they would never have chosen to experience a particular difficulty, they now recognise something valuable that emerged from it.
I used to think it would be nice to acquire all that wisdom without having to go through the adversity. Surely there should be a shortcut?
Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to offer a convenient express service!
But there's an important caution here: growth is a possibility, not an obligation.
Not everyone experiences positive change following adversity. And someone who hasn't identified personal growth isn't somehow less resilient.
In fact, research suggests that our perception of having grown through adversity doesn't always translate into objectively measurable changes [2].
If you're navigating something difficult, asking yourself, "What might I learn from this?" can sometimes help. But if that question feels inappropriate, overwhelming, or simply irritating, don't force it. Sometimes getting through today is quite enough.
Resistance: strength doesn't mean rigidity
And finally, resistance.
The word might conjure up an image of a mighty oak tree, standing tall against a storm. Solid, dependable, and immovable.
But look more closely.
Even a mature oak flexes in the wind. Its branches move; its leaves bend, and its roots help distribute the forces acting upon it.
Its strength isn't simply rigidity. It's that its structure allows it to withstand the forces it encounters.
I think this offers a useful way to understand human resilience.
Over time, we can develop skills, ways of thinking, relationships, and resources that help us continue functioning when life becomes challenging.
We might be upset, anxious, frustrated, or uncertain, yet still find ways to respond effectively.
And critically, continuing to function doesn't mean we aren't experiencing difficult emotions.
Resilience isn't the absence of emotion. Nor is it the ability to suppress what we're feeling.
It's partly about developing the flexibility to recognise what's happening, understand what we need, and choose how best to respond.
The surprisingly hard work of the 'soft stuff'
Business writer Tom Peters famously described a curious reversal in how we think about organisations [3]:
Soft is hard. Hard is soft.
He meant that organisations often treat finances, plans, and numbers as the hard fundamentals of business, while dismissing relationships, culture, and how people treat one another as the soft stuff.
Yet these supposedly soft factors are often actually what underpin lasting success. So, the soft stuff is the real hard stuff of business.
I think the same principle applies beautifully to resilience.
We might imagine toughness means ignoring our feelings, hiding vulnerability, or simply pushing through. But the psychological skills, those ones we often describe as ‘soft skills’ are the ones that really help us navigate adversity.
Being able to recognise fear without being overwhelmed by it. Acknowledging disappointment without turning it into harsh self-criticism. Asking for help rather than insisting on managing everything alone.
These things aren't necessarily easy.
Research into emotional regulation has found that habitually suppressing the outward expression of emotion is associated with poorer wellbeing and relationship functioning, whereas strategies such as reappraising how we interpret a situation tend to be associated with better outcomes [4].
Of course, temporarily setting emotions aside is sometimes useful. We don't always need to explore every feeling immediately.
The important distinction is between choosing how to work with our emotions versus habitually trying to shut them out or soothe them.
More recent resilience research, including work by psychologist George Bonanno and colleagues, suggests that no single set of personality traits makes someone resilient. Instead, a key factor is our ability to respond flexibly to different circumstances – recognising what a situation requires, drawing on different strategies, and adjusting our approach depending on what works [5].
Sometimes the right response is to persevere. Or change direction. Or to rest, seek support, or accept that something can't be changed right now.
Resilience is having the flexibility to recognise the difference.
Can we develop resilience?
The encouraging part is that although our personalities, past experiences, and circumstances all influence how we respond to adversity, we can also develop useful skills and resources.
Here are a few ways to start.
Recognise what's happening. We often react automatically to our emotions. Awareness creates an opportunity to respond more thoughtfully. Try to step back enough to notice your thoughts, emotions, and physical reactions without reacting or judging yourself for having them.
Practise emotional flexibility. Rather than automatically avoiding an unpleasant feeling, consider what it might be telling you. Can you acknowledge the feeling while choosing a helpful next step?
Strengthen your connections. Resilience isn't purely an individual achievement. Supportive relationships provide practical help, perspective, reassurance, and a sense of belonging. Being resilient doesn't mean doing everything alone.
Build your capacity to recover. Sleep, regular movement, rest, and opportunities to disconnect from stress all help support our physical and psychological resources. They won't make adversity disappear, but they can influence how well equipped we are to manage it.
Be willing to adapt. A strategy that worked yesterday might not work today. Sometimes resilience means persisting, but sometimes it means changing our approach or adjusting our expectations.
None of these guarantees that life will feel easy. And resilience isn't something we can develop so completely that we'll never struggle again.
But each offers an opportunity to become a little more skilful at navigating difficulty.
Resilience is a lifelong skill
For me, resilience belongs firmly within the skills that support a longer, healthier life.
Not because resilient people never experience stress, sadness, or setbacks. They do.
We don't get to choose everything that happens to us, but we can get better at how we respond.
Our ability to work with difficulties, recover when we need to, and draw on the people and resources around us influences how we experience life and look after our health.
So perhaps it's time to retire the idea that resilience means being tough.
Real resilience isn't about becoming harder. It's about becoming more flexible, capable, and resourceful in the face of life's challenges.
And, like the mighty oak, that can mean knowing when to bend.
References and further reading
- Lepore SJ, Revenson TA. (2006). Resilience and posttraumatic growth: Recovery, resistance, and reconfiguration. In Handbook of Posttraumatic Growth: Research and Practice, pp. 24–47. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
- Park CL, et al. (2023). Does perceived post-traumatic growth during the COVID-19 pandemic reflect actual positive changes?. Anxiety, Stress, & Coping, 36(6), 661–673.
- Peters T. Hard is soft. Soft is hard.
- Gross JJ, John OP. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: Implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(2), 348–362.
- Bonanno GA, Westphal M. (2024). The three axioms of resilience. Journal of Traumatic Stress.